Week #5 What the Hell Happened? 

By Rick "Snake" Arnold

We killed Andy Dalton......

 

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 MIA at CIN | GB at IND | BAL at KC | TEN at MIN | ATL at WAS | CLE at NYG | PHI at PIT
SEA at CAR | CHI at JAX | DEN at NE | BUF at SF

Bye: Dallas, Detroit, Oakland and Tampa Bay

17 13

Snake's Take:  We have to extend our sincerest apologies to Andy Dalton and the Cincinnati Bengals. I have legendary bad luck in fantasy football. Chippy has legendary bad luck in life in general. We are in a few leagues together and didn't talk about who we were starting this week. I started Andy Dalton in our long running league, he started Andy Dalton in a yahoo league. With both of us starting Andy Dalton, he is lucky to still be alive after this game. Dalton was highly ordinary today and made a ton of mistakes including throwing and INT with just over a minute left. Not to blame it all on Cincy, Miami's D is no joke. They lock down the run and today they did a good job of putting pressure on Dalton and throwing off the passing game. The Dolphins had just enough balance on offense to get a couple of rushing TD's and their defense set them up all day long. At the beginning of the season I thought the Dolphins would be one of the worst teams in the NFL...I'm changing my mind. They're not great, but they are a solid and well-coached team. Getting rid of Ocho-Stinko was the key!

 

27 30

Snake's Take: Wow...just wow. First let me get my special shout out to Cedric Benson out of the way. Thanks Ced for starting such a house of fire with 40 yards in the first quarter only to get a foot injury and be out the rest of the game. If given the opportunity I would kick you in the nuts. Like seriously if I saw you at the grocery store or something I would be real sly walking up like I didn't see you and then WHAM! Kick in the nuts. I'd run screaming like a girl afterwards, but for those glorious 2 seconds I would be kicking your ass! Biotch! Okay...enough of that moron. The Packers are not even close to the team they used to be. Something is really missing. Greg Jennings? An O-line that can block for more than 1 second? Something isn't right. Rodgers did a great job today but it wasn't easy. The more impressive player today was Andrew Luck and of course Reggie Wayne. Luck stayed so composed and drove his team up and down the field all day. I was just impressed. You know this kid is going be a star in this league for a long time. Reggie Wayne snags 13 passes for 212 yards and a score....amazing. 362 yards passing and a HUGE win for Andrew Luck today...they played Chuckstrong indeed.

 

9 6

Snake's Take:  The way Jamaal Charles started this game I thought he was going to rush for 400 yards today! He ended with 140 yards on the day but obviously no trips to paydirt. When is the last time you saw two teams have 100 yard rushers and neither one of them score a TD? You still think you're the best QB in the league Joe Flacco? Joke. The Ravens D got shredded in the first half by Jamaal Charles but made their adjustments and locked that all down in the second half. With a score of 3-2 this game is way up on the boring scale. Somewhere between watching paint dry and listening to your know-it-all uncle talk politics. That's all I have to say about that (Gump).

 

24 17

Snake's Take:  You have to wonder how this one would have turned out if RG3 didn't get knocked THE F OUT in the 3rd quarter. He took a serious shot to the grill and was gone for the day. On comes Kirk "Another Pick" Cousins and the Falcons took over. Tony Gonzalez is not human. He's got to be an alien like from Men In Black and he's just wearing human skin. The guy has been doing it better than anyone else ever has for 16 years now. 13 grabs for 123 yards and a score today...ho-hum, just another day at the office for T-Gonz. Julio Jones finally showed back up with a solid 10 grabs for 94 yards and a score. Julio had a couple of drops that would have made his numbers ridiculous but being one of his owners in several leagues, I was happy with the output today. I won't fire you just yet Julio. The Falcons had a nice balanced attack after a slow start and grinded out the win. Alfred Morris ran like a beast today...he's going to be solid all season long. Falcons remain undefeated, Redskins better pray RG3 is okay.

 

27 41

Snake's Take:  Anyone else have Ahmad Bradshaw on their bench? Why oh why would I start that ass-neck Cedric Benson over Bradshaw? Last week Bradshaw didn't do squat and I worried about him losing carries to Brown. Guess that's not happening. 200 damn yards on the ground and a TD...chilling on my bench. This feeling is comparable to slow-dancing with your mother-in-law while your fingernails are being yanked out at the same time Rory Mcllroy is swinging his long-driver into your nutsack repeatedly. No....that's probably better than I feel about having Bradshaw on my bench. As an added bonus I got to face Victor Cruz. I'd like to dance a salsa on his gay smiley ass face...3 TD's today for that bastard. I don't know if I can type much more about this game as I'm about to rip the laptop screen off the keyboard and clap my own head with both pieces while screaming cuss words at the top of my lunch. Screw this, I'm done talking about this crapass game.

 

14 16

Snake's Take:  Thanks to Michael Vick coughing up more balls than a hooker with bronchitis the Steelers were able to eek out the win in this one with a last minute FG. This game was anything but pretty. Two Pennsylvania teams playing ugly football. Both defenses were just knocking the snot out of each other and neither offense could get it going. Rashard Mendenhall being back definitely made a big difference for the Steelers as he rumbled for 81 yards and a score and seemed to give them some kind of balance. If anyone sees Mike Wallace this week, please ask him why he sucked so horribly...2 catches for 17 yards. Awesome.  The big story all week now will be how long before the Eagles yank Vick. They can't win with him turning the ball over non-stop. They find themselves in close games every week and those turnovers are the reason why. This is going to be a great big pressure-cooker week for Andy Reid. Should be entertaining.

 

16 12

 Snake's Take:  This was fugly...can't wait to see Cam whine and cry about this one. If you drafted Cam early (which a lot of people did)...you are struggling right now. He's great against horrible defenses but when he plays a good one he is just horrendous. Seattle is a good D. Cam only managed 141 passing yards and 42 rushing yards without a single whiff of endzone. That has his owners looking at the waiver wire mumbling things like "I wonder if Tebow is going to get his shot soon..."  Yeah, it's that bad. Seattle didn't exactly light up the scoreboard but they got just enough from Lynch (85 yards) and rookie QB Russell Wilson to pull this win out. Overall this game was uglier than Janet Reno and Rosie O'Donnell in bikinis....making out. (I just threw up a little)  Big shout out to DeAngelo Williams....6 yards for 6 carries. He's on the Chris Johnson plan.

 

41 3

 Snake's Take:  This was an absolute ass whuppin'! The Bears did whatever they wanted to do today. They ran the ball with Forte (over 100 yards), they passed the ball with Cutler (292 yds and 2 TD's) to Marshall (12 grabs for 144 and a TD) and their defense scored twice. That defense is just plain NASTY! They get after the QB, they lock down the run and their DB's...especially Tillman are so aggressive. The Bears D scored more TD's than 7 NFL teams did today. That's just sick. Of course we have to give Jacksonville some of the credit here. I mean they have an offense that is one of the worst to grace the NFL since...oh damn, forgot about the NY Jets. Okay, they have the worst offense in the NFL this side of New York!  MJD got locked down, Gabbert got picked off and beat up. It was borderline criminal what the Bears did to the Jags today. The NFC Central is shaping up to be a brutal division and I have to tell you the Bears are the front runners right now. The Packers lost to the Colts and haven't looked that good this year. As long as the Bears keep Forte healthy and Cutler from having sissy fits they are going to be tough to beat in the NFC. As the weather gets colder...Chicago is the LAST place you want to go play. Impressive win for DA BEARS.

 

7 30

Snake's Take:  I'm not trying to take anything away from the Vikings...they are playing great football right now and they are a very solid team, but DAYYYYUUUMMMMM Tennessee sucks! Chris Johnson got back to his suck-ass ways with 15 carries for 24 yards. He couldn't even hit his 2 yards per carry average today. Matt Hasselbeck....please retire. Not only do you look like you're 60, you play like it too. The Titans couldn't score on Jersey Shore with Vinny and Pauly D as their wingmen. It's the worst offense......oh damn, NY Jets again. It's a horrible offense, just not as bad as the NY Jets. Kenny Britt was hurt (shocker), Jake Locker is out and Matt Hasselbeck should be working as a commentator. As for the Vikes...another solid game out of Ponder and Percy Harvin was THE MAN. He went over 100 yards receiving with a score and ran one in from 4 yards out for good measure. As long as the Vikes keep pounding with AP, using Harvin in many different ways and play-action passing to Kyle Rudolph...they are going to be in every game they play. They are surprisingly underrated this year.

 

21 31

 Snake's Take:  345 yards passing and 3 TD's from Peyton Manning and they still lose the game. WTF? Demaryius was huge with 188 yards on the day but that wasn't enough. The Broncos were driving late to make this a tight game and Willis McGahee coughed up the rock sealing the game for the Pats. Tom Brady was great today and Wes Welker owners have to be thrilled....13 grabs for 104 yards and a TD. Stevan Ridley was huge with 151 yards and a score and the Pats used a methodical balanced attack to march up and down the field with ease in this one on their way to a HUGE AFC win. Denver's D is going to be their downfall. Clearly Peyton Manning still has it and Decker and Thomas are great weapons. Their defense gives it up like a drunk cheerleader and much like Perez Hilton, Peyton is constantly playing from behind. If the Donkos don't get that D shored up it's going to be a lot of high scoring losses. The Pats look to be back on track...funny how they decide to use Welker again and they look unstoppable. Go figure.

 

3 45

 Snake's Take:  Seriously? Come on Buffalo...this is just pathetic. Yes, San Francisco has the best defense in the NFL but 45-3? Frank Gore had 100 yards and a score and watched the entire 4th quarter on the sideline because his job was already done. Crabtree went nuts today, Vernon Davis did as well and the Niners Defense as usual just kicked the absolute snot out of their opponent. There wasn't a single player on Buffalo that did anything worth even mentioning. Fred Jackson got 9 carries, CJ Spiller got 7...awesome. Welcome to a 50-50 split that makes both of them about useless to those of us in the fantasy football game. San Fran is deep and talented on offense...so much so Kendall Hunter can come in to relieve Frank Gore and get 81 yards on just 11 carries. So much so that Randy Moss...one of the best WR's to ever play the game and still having something left only catches one pass for 11 yards. The Niners have made Randy Moss a eunuch. I guess if you win 45-3 you can do whatever you want. How in the hell did the Vikings beat these Niners? Eh well...another huge dominant win for the Niners, on they go.

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