What the Hell Happened
by Rick "Snake" Arnold

I'm back for more pain...week 1 was insane and as usual, most of my players decided to begin the torture early. Can't I just get 1 week to pretend my teams are going to be great?  I'm way behind the power curve this morning so I'm not sure how lengthy I'll get but there are a few players that will catch a rant I'm sure.

NO at GB | ATL at CHI | CIN at CLE | BUF at KC | PHI at STL | TEN at JAX | PIT at BAL | IND at HOU
DET at TB | NYG at WAS | CAR at ARI | MIN at SD | SEA at SF | DAL at NYJ| NE at MIA | OAK at DEN

Snake's Take:  What a way to start the season...this game was awesome. After the 1st quarter I was projecting Aaron Rodgers for 266 TD's this season. He was throwing lasers. He clearly is at the top of his game now and it's all coming easy for him. That defense though? WTF? Anyone seen last year's Packer D? They need to get back to 2011 quick! Drew Brees spread the ball like peanut butter to every WR on their roster and kept the Saints in this game. How Mark Ingram got stopped on the goal line I'll never know...that's his strong point and he got stopped. I was praying for OT. I'm sure you wall were too. Hell of a way to start the season though...FB is back!

Snake's Take:  Huh? Uhhhhhhhh come again? Now I'm not knocking the Bears...their Defense is always awesome and they didn't disappoint Sunday, but what the hell happened to the Falcons? They had the best record in football last season and added Julio Jones to the mix. That should lead to more than 12 points on the day. Brian Urlacher looked like a man amongst boys out there with a fumble return for a score and an INT on the day. He was kicking the Falcons around like little kids. If Atlanta doesn't right the ship quickly, they're going to be looking up in that division. I just don't get how they can start that badly. Matt Forte gets player of the game...he looks much quicker this season and they love using him in the passing game. The Bears made quite a statement week 1...if Cutler can keep his cool, they look to be a power player on the NFC landscape.

Snake's Take: I completely expected this game to blow sackular region...I wasn't disappointed. For all those that drafted Peyton Hillis...welcome to 2011. The Madden Curse, a brutal schedule and an overall crappy O-line will have him struggling to do much of anything this year. If you can't get 100 yards on Cincinnati...you're probably not going to rock 100 on anyone. Andy Dalton looked solid and then had his wrist jacked...on comes super journeyman Bruce Gradkowski who hit superstud rookie AJ Green with a 41 yard scoring strike to put this one away. Ced Benson beat the Browns defense like they spilled his drink as he rolled up 121 yards and a score. Don't get it twisted, these are two of the worst teams in the NFL. Cincy just showed that Cleveland is a little worse than they are.

Snake's Take:  Anyone else out there draft Jamaal Charles and look at this game thinking, "Maybe he'll go for 200 here?" What THE HELL happened here? The pre-season was clearly not a fluke for KC...they looked like fresh busted ass during the pre-season and carried that right into the regular season. Matt Cassel needs an eye exam STAT! That dude couldn't hit the ocean from a boat with the football yesterday. Buffalo looked like they could do whatever they wanted when they had the ball too. Ryan Fitzpatrick gets no love but he's a fantasy monster. He rang up 4 TD's on the day and Fred Jackson ran through KC like Mexican water. This was an absolute and total beatdown. There is no way anyone saw Buffalo D-bo'ing the Chiefs like this. Fugly.

Snake's Take:  LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson and Michael Vick put on the show we expected as the Eagles grinded out the win over the Rams. The way this one started you thought the Rams were going to pull off an upset as Steven Jackson ripped off a 47 yard touchdown on their first possession.  Next thing you know, he's on the bike on the sideline with a quad injury, Sam Bradford is getting hurt and everyone else the Rams needed got injured. Philly just roughed the Rams up! How Michael Vick runs like he does I'll never know...that dude looks like a Tecmo Bowl player brought to life. 97 yards rushing on the day and he made it look easy. Philly didn't look as sharp as the "Dream Team" moniker they are being tagged with, but they looked clearly better than the scRams.

Snake's Take:  Kenny Britt hasn't played all damn pre-season so I tucked him neatly on my bench for this week. I figured he might get 60 yards or so and if he was healthy I'd get him in the lineup next week. I should just start each season by covering my eyes and letting someone kick me right in the nuts. Britt exploded for 136 yards and 2 TD's on the day. That will be his best game all season and it's on my bench. Why do we torture ourselves with this game? Maurice Jones-Drew was solid on the day with 97 yards and a score and the Jags added a few FG's to pull off the close win. Neither one of these teams is going to sniff the playoffs. Chris Johnson was mighty quiet...they're easing him in which is smart so his first few games will be a little slow. If you drafted him you probably got a bargain anyways and got him late 1st round so quit whining!

Snake's Take:  Every year you wonder if this is the year that age finally catches up to the Steelers defense. Answer: Yup. The Ravens just man-handled the Steelers like they never have before. Little brother kicked the crap out of Big Brother Sunday. Ray Rice was running through 5 yard holes in the defense. I'm sorry, that NEVER happens against Pittsburgh. You're lucky to get a 50 yard day and Rice had 50 in the 1st quarter. Joe Flacco looked poised and sharp tossing the ball around. It was like the Ravens were playing against the Buffalo Bills or something. The Steelers looked to be just going through the motions. Baltimore had a big chip on it's shoulder and they kicked it off yesterday. Ricky Williams and Ray Rice both averaged over 5 yards a carry...that's physical domination. Just like that, the Ravens jump to the AFC favorite spot only 1 week into the season.

Snake's Take:  Now we all see just how important Peyton Manning was/is to the Colts. They are a completely different team without him. If I'm the Colts I duct-tape Peyton's neck back on and get him out there NEXT WEEK! Kerry Collins looked absolutely horrible (as expected) and we all knew the Colts defense was atrocious. Arian Foster was out and it didn't even matter. Ben Tate ran crazy, Derrick Ward ran crazy...I'm pretty sure your mom could have ran for 80 and a score. What really sucks is those of us that have Reggie Wayne and/or Dallas Clark. Those two guys are going to struggle with stupid Kerry Collins at the helm. Wayne still got his 100 yards and a score but that was in garbage time...which is going to be about 3/4th's of every game for the Colts until Peyton is back.

Snake's Take:  Matt Stafford is the real deal. If he EVER makes it through an entire season he'll be in the Pro Bowl. Now, Calvin Johnson sure does help...that guy is just sick good. To be that big and that fast and have hands like that? It's like the perfect WR. Stafford threw 2 scores to Calvin Johnson and the Lions defense locked the Bucs down for most of the game. Other than a defensive score and a late TD pass from Freeman to Mike Williams, the Bucs offense didn't do squat! LaGarrette Blount had a whopping 5 carries for 15 yards. WTF? How can you have a RB that good and only give him 5 carries. If you don't give him more carries he's going to start running around punching people again! Tampa has some work to do. The Lions looked really good...not good enough to beat Green Bay or Chicago quite yet but they're getting closer.

Snake's Take: The Giants are completely screwed. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is they're missing this year but they look horrible. The Deadskins just whupped up on them yesterday. Rex Grossman threw for 305 yards and 2 TD's on the day...REX GROSSMAN? This isn't where I'm supposed to say Rex Grossman is the real deal is it? Surely that can't be happening. It's only week 1, we'll write it off as flukish good luck. Eli Manning ran in one score and Ahmad Bradshaw ran in the other...there was NOTHING through the air. Eli looked like a little lost deer out there. The G-men are in for a lonnnnnnng season.

Snake's Take:  WOW! just WOW! That's all you can say about Cam Newton's 1st professional game. 422 yards passing on the day, the most by any rookie in his 1st game EVER! Not only did he rack up all those yards but he actually looked good doing it! He was making reads, checking down to his 2nd and 3rd options and running when he had to. He looked like a stud QB that has been in the league for 5 years. I will be the first to admit I was in the anti-Cam club. I just didn't think he was going to be able to pass well in the NFL. I stand corrected. Now we know he's not going to do this every week but he definitely showed he has what it takes to succeed in the NFL.  The people I hate now are all you lucky bastages that drafted Steve Smith late just because there was no other WR worth squat. Now he's going to have a rebirth year and you luck-sticks get to reap the rewards. Smith had 178 yards and 2 TD's on the day...SICK! The Panthers still found a way to lose the game as Kevin Kolb and Beanie Wells played great and fellow rookie Patrick Peterson ran a kick back for the game-winner. This looked like one of the worst games ever created and ended up being the game of the day. This stuff is just crazy.

Snake's Take:   Philip Rivers is just that good. The Vikings jumped out to a big lead but Rivers is so accurate with the rock and so patient he just picked the Vikings apart. I don't care who you are, there is no way you saw Mike Tolbert racking up 3 TD's on the day. Ryan Mathews owners have to be thinking, "Here we go again". It's clear that Tolbert is going to be a big part of the offense. They will both have solid games but Tolbert is getting those red zone totes. Ungood if you own Mathews. Now onto the real reason the Vikings lost....Donovan McNabb gobbles ball-bags. 39 whole yards passing on the day? Really? 7 completions for 39 yards? That's just awful. It's over...Donovan should just ride off into the sunset and remember the glory days when he was with the Eagles. Minnesota is slowly becoming home to QB's that won't retire. It's going to be a long season for them if McNabb plays like this all year.

Snake's Take:  I'm going to take a second to think of something positive to say about this game........

Snake's Take:  There is absolutely zero defense for Tony Romo any longer. There has not been a bigger choke artist in the NFL in as long as I can remember. If there is a way to blow a game, Romo will find it. He fumbles on the goal line then throws an INT and just like that the Jets win a game they were trailing by 14 in the 4th quarter. How can you suck this bad? CHOKE CHOKE ROMO'S A JOKE!  We pause this broadcast to bring you a special message: Shonn Greene is an ass-dart. I repeat Shonn Greene is an ass-dart. Have you drafted Shonn Greene? Do you suffer from mess-a-loss-a-lotta? If you have drafted Shonn Greene and currently suffer from mess-a-loss-a-lotta you may be entitled to compensation for your pain and suffering. Contact the attorneys at Snake and Associates to see if you are entitled. Seriously folks, this is the 3rd year I've jumped on the Shonn Greene train and he is kicking me again. 10 carries for 26 yards? Really? The job is all yours you fat donkey and you can't get 100 yards? LT looks way better and he's like 97 years old. I am beginning to detest every cell and fiber in Shonn Greene's very existence. If he keeps this up I will add "Shonn Greene blows" to everything I write for the rest of my life.